Wednesday, December 10, 2003

i really don't even know what to say. i am not entirely sure how the whole issue came to a head in the first place, but when it did i was ready to abandon this site, my journal, and my photography.
mister L and i were discussing an unrelated topic, somehow the conversation managed to turn to my photos, this site and all sundry associated with it. he isnt always comfortable with certain aspects of this project, more specifcly the sexual nature of some of the images and the number of people who write to me, most of which are men. i think he has a fair point, i often think if the shoe were on the other foot i might not be so casual, which of course leads me to feeling guilty for doing it myself. its unfair, and it brought me to a whole new set of disturbing and confusing questions. questions about why i create and post things like this in general.
it is something i take such great pleasure in but am often embarassed to talk about in other areas of my life. my family, my in laws and etc all know i have this hobby and it is frequently discussed in the abstract but whenever anyone wants to see anything i tend to give the runaround. it would embarass me for them to see it, they would probably feel the same, so why do i do it? the question plagues me and i have no answer.
i paniced and started to wonder if what i was doing had any merit at all or if i should just stop. but merit aside, it makes me feel good. this place, these photos, are the one thing i have that is all my own. i can play out all of my fears and fantasies here to whatever degree i choose, but i am having a hard time reconciling how to be a good wife and true to myself as an artist (if i can even be caled that) at the same time. these two sides of me move further apart everydayand i am left feeling torn.
this has registered itself in the fact that i havent taken a new photo in 3 months. oh sure i have projects in the works and whatnot and i think about pictures all the time, but whenever it comes down to actually setting up and shooting, i always find some reason to put it off. i feel paralyzed, too scared to move forward, but too scared to give up what i have. all this shit has been building up for a long time, and like i said, yesterday it just all came out.
astro and lauren met me in the city and gave me their opinions. be brave, this is part of who you are and you should not give up, and dont worry, families dont stop loving you over a few photos.
posted by Ms_Bunnie 3:51 PM
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Sunday, December 07, 2003

we have been snowed in for two days now with no heat. we have brought all the plants and animals into our room with 3 space heaters going. the end result is quite toasty, as long as you dont need anything from the rest of the house (i.e. food). i have chosen to amuse myself by uploading a bunch of music to my computer and catching up on old mail etc. mister L has raised himself to all new levels of bird watching madness by spending the day out in that mess. he is a restless sort of person, wheras i can quite happily lock myself up in my bedroom for the duration of bad weather and hibernate. i have everything i want or need to amuse myself right here in easy reach. why go out?
i was supposed to go up to albany this weekend to work on a new shoot with sacred but i backed out at the last minute. i wanted to go up but i was unprepared for my shoot and i was having a little bit of germ phobia. bryan is recently recovered from some nasty bug and may or may not have passed it on to sacred. bottom line, i am not taking any chances, i hate getting sick. besides i hear they are doing some work on the house this coming week and if i went this weekend past i would have missed the results. the bird man has some big bird event to go to next weekend so i wont be missed.

picked up another banksy print off ebay today. yay for me!
posted by Ms_Bunnie 4:36 PM
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