Thursday, December 18, 2003

i feel i have been unclear in a previous entry. i recieved alot of email from people telling me that the guy i mentioned in my diary 2 days ago was a jerk etc...let me be clear, he didnt do or say anything wrong. it was just a feeling i got that i probably wouldnt hear from him again and i was dissapointed. i posted immeadiately after that conversation and things have not had time to pan out one way or the other yet, he still might prove to be a friend. my rant was more of a reflection of MY issues. over this last year i have had some trouble adjusting to my new life, i was so used to being alone and now i am not. i dont know how to go out in the world and meet new people as a married woman yet. what am i supposed to do say "hi, i am bunnie and i am married"? that would be stupid, but at the same time i dont want anyone to look at me differently when they find out that i am. it is dumb i know, women negotiate this issue in their lives all the time but it is a pretty new one for me. last time i had a boyfriend before mister L was years and years ago when i was in nightclubs. most of the guys i met there were gay and were much more interested in hitting on my boyfriend than me obviously. the straight world is like bizarro land for me, all the rules i know are reversed.
posted by Ms_Bunnie 9:17 AM
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Tuesday, December 16, 2003

things do not always go as planned. and sometimes that is ok with me.
i came up to albany on sunday to do a new photo shoot with sacred. we were planning on doing some serious prosthetics and thing never seemed to quite gel for us. first was the issue of a serious snowstorm, missing supplies, things that we thought would work that didnt, a faulty internet connection, lack of pot, and then finally an attack of mad christmas decorating by Barb. she was trying to deck the halls while on the verge of death due to the flu. its not like sacred and i could just sit there and watch...sacred and i are staunchly bah humbug, vastly prefering halloween to the cheeriness of christmas. but i have to admit after awhile we were having a good time, and the house looks really great now. festive.

i am going to put in some more work in on my prosthetic problem but i am not going to get stressed. from what i understand mercury is in retrograde and i should be expecting delays in all manner of things. i am not so sure i firmly believe in that sort of thing but it does seem to be accurate in this case. nothing this month has gone as planned or on scheduel. best to just not get too stressed, just sit back and wait for some other planet to shift things around, or the holidays to be over. which ever comes first.


posted by Ms_Bunnie 4:22 PM
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Monday, December 15, 2003

this isnt true of everyone, but i notice alot of times when i meet someone new that i am interested in becoming friends with, they lose interest in being friends with me once they realize i am married. i find this incredibly depressing.

i know its tough when you meet someone you think is cool and you are interested in them or whatever and you get dissapointed when you find out that they are taken but jesus christ it makes me feel like a walking fuck hole with some extraneous body parts attached. is my only worth my potential as a date?

it just makes me feel real small you know?

this is one of the reasons why i frequently hate being a female. for years i wouldnt even acknowledge it in my own head. i preffered to think of myself as neither sex, or perhaps both, but definately not one or the other. sometimes i wish i could erase my genitals and the responsibility and complication that comes with them. i hardly ever get a period and i really believe that i just flat out willed them away. i have been to tons of doctors and they can find no cause. i simply could not face the continual bloody reminder that i am in fact a girl. how do women face it every goddamn month? 4 a year is the MOST i will tolerate.

i dont want to be a guy, although i do think i would enjoy the novelty of external plumbing for a few weeks, i just want...oh it is impossible to explain what i want.

hmmm let me think about it for a second.

i guess i want everyone to understand that to me my body and my gender are happenstance and are not a reflection of myself. it is just the space i occupy. in a way i almost envy my transexual friends. they knew they were in the wrong body and they had the means to correct it. there is no third option, i am stuck here for good.

jesus this is not what i expected to get into when i sat down. i was just a little upset that i think a potential friendship i was really looking forward to has faded and suddenly all this crap came out...

sorry about that people.

lets move on to other things...right now i am up in albany at bryan and sacreds house. we are supposed to be working on a new shoot but the ends seem to be fraying. it is a simple shoot, we just keep getting stuck. and now everyone is out at work and i am here in the house with nothing to do and not even any pot to keep me fuzzy. i thought i never got bored anymore but i have proved myself wrong. but its not so bad, i decided to use my time alone to dress up in man drag and take a few pics of me playing videogames like the regular guy i wish i was today. oh and i also made a meatloaf in the shape of a human head. that always cheers me up.

i wont get to go home till wednesday. i miss mister L terribly. he says i will be bored with him in five minutes, but i think i can last at least 10. that man can drive me from zero to crazy in 6 seconds flat sometimes but i wouldnt trade him for anything in the world.

i cant wait to go home.
posted by Ms_Bunnie 11:49 AM
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