Tuesday, March 30, 2004

so far the vacation (all 2 days of it) is going well and i would like to thank everyone who wrote to me to tell me that its cool and i deserve a break. much appreciated and it makes relaxing a little easier.

my mother in law wrote to me yesterday to tell me she found this website. she was doing some research on blogs for one of her MA students and one link led to another...after i got over my initial embarassement i was kind of tickled that this site has become so acesseable. pretty cool. mrs mum was actually very supportive and enthusiastic about my writing style and wants to help me get into a masters program for creative writing. i had long ago given up on the idea of ever obtaining a degree, much less a masters, but she says that in europe there are some programs that take you based on merit and not just a previous bachelors. i am very interested to see what options are open...

i love writing but never really gave it much serious consideration. i have kept diaries pretty much since i could write whole sentences but i have always primarily considered myself a visually focused person. i find that changing...now, i am less concerned about where and how i am applying my energy, be it visual, verbal, or domestic and am more interested in just going all out on whatever i am working on. i feel like i want to be busy all the time, like every moment i am not bing productive is wasted. in the back of my mind all i hear is the distant chant

not enough not enough not enough not enough not enough

this is most likely why i have a spine that feels like shards of glass.

but things are looking up. i have made a new friend, a most unlikely friend in fact...first of all its a girl, that may not seem odd to most people but for me its a big deal since 98% of my associations are with men. something about them is less murky to me...but anyway, the other unusual thing is that she is a total hippy. i can just hear bryan now at home running around yelling, "a hippy? i hate fucking stinky hippies!!", hahaha and normally i might do the same but she isnt all awful and cheesy, shes just real chilled out and cool. shes all into yoga and took me to this place right up the street i passed by a million times and never noticed before. its an intense yoga studio and its amazing. all of the lights are dim and there are huge steam baths, everything is geared to bliss you out. we took a class the other day and i was struck by how differently she got into it. when i practice, i have to constantly work to maintain a clear mind, its hard for me to let go and relax, my mind constantly chatters...but when i looked over at her she had this look on her face and i could just tell she was going to a whole other level and i realized i have a lot to learn from this girl. i could see her really connecting with something.

i want a little of that in my life too. no more self defeating chants, no more relentless pushing, just some stillness and quiet.
posted by Ms_Bunnie 6:11 AM
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Sunday, March 28, 2004

today i am writing this from the perpective of a pretzel.
when i get overwhelmed by things my body rebels by depriving me of sleep. if i continue to disregard its warning it retaliates in the form of muscle spasms. my head, neck and shoulders all tighten like a winch, and while they are continually creeping inward they are saying, "you think you can ignore me? i am talking to you!!!....fuuuuccck yooouuu!!!"

right now, with my ear glued to my shoulder i have no choice but to listen. i can hear every creak and grind of my bones and muscles and here is that they are telling me,

"you need a rest"


i have been working so hard to keep everyone happy, and this includes all of you, that i have forgotten why i am here in the first place. i am a slave to my computer, it sits right next to my pillow and is the first thing i see when i wake up. i literally wake up, roll over and start typing. i spend 3 hours a day writing emails and still never get down to less than 20 in my box...but i am kind of worried to say anything like that because i dont want anyone to think i am complaining. i love my mail, i love that what i do here could inspire someone to take the time out of their day and write to me and tell me how they feel. i am currently in the midst of some of the most interesting conversations of my life...but at the same time, i am so busy having conversations that i am not taking pictures anymore. this is a huge problem for me, the photos are a vital part of my well being. i NEED to be able to work on them to feel ok about myself. its also a problem for anyone who is waiting for more images.

so i guess what i am doing is asking for a little vacation, nothing long...like 2 weeks. just to be able to let the knots in my body undo themselves, to get more than 3 hours of sleep in a row, to maybe work on some photos possibly maybe even take a few...i will probably still post here if the mood strikes, but as of tomorrow i am officially on vacation until monday april 12th. i really hope this does not discourage anyone from writing to me in the future, i love getting mail. in fact, i would go as far as saying i am a total mail whore...but even whores take a break once in while right? i mean as long as they dont have pimp or anything...ummm, but that is a tangent i never intended on so i am going to go now.

see ya soon.
posted by Ms_Bunnie 1:32 PM
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