Saturday, June 12, 2004

swan writes:

I definitely agree with you about not having children. I never plan to have my own. I don\'t think it\'s a selfish choice, I think it\'s something that most women recognize in themselves. Do I want to have kids? Am I willing to commit to something as momentous as a child? No. Frankly, more people should stop and consider what kind of parents they will be before having kids. In the end, don\'t feel bad about not wanting kids. It doesn\'t make your life meaningless. Not in the slightest.


its nice to know i am not the only one.
posted by Ms_Bunnie 4:01 PM
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Friday, June 11, 2004

so the little baby mouse died in the middle of the night...it wasn't a surprise. we all knew his chances were slim to none from go, but i still harbored some distant hopes. at least i know that we did everything we could to make his last hours more comfortable.

it also confirmed what i always suspected, motherhood is not for me. after just one day of multiple feedings i was exhausted and cranky.

i listen to women talk about having, or wanting to have babies...they speak of it with such reverence and certainty. they actively seek out partners and deliberately work towards the day they can have families...i have to be honest, it confuses the living shit out of me.

that part of me, the part that could even *consider* it, just does not exist. i look around inside myself, (you know all the usual places, under the couch cushions, behind the drapes...misplaced things are always the last place you look) for a maternal instinct or even a base urge to reproduce and i got nothing. zero, zip, nada, bubkas. aside from the total absence of urge, the whole thing just seems like a raw deal. you get to relinquish your body to what essentially is a parasite, spend multiple hours in pain passing it, to get the delight of cleaning up its shit for the next few years and taking attitude for the remaining ones. maybe i am missing something, because even though i was really enjoying the company of the children at the party (they are way more fun to play with than the adults), all i could think when i saw (with the previously blogged exception) the pregnant ladies was, "dear god please don't ever let that happen to me"

is there something wrong with me? maybe...a lot of strangers/aqquaintences certainly seem to think so (though not any of my friends, many of whom are parents themselves, they are way too cool to hold my non breeding status against me). when people drop phrases into conversations like, "someday when you have your own you will understand..." or when they inquire about when mister and i will be starting our own family (a fucking rude question to begin with), i patiently and politely inform them that i don't think it is for me...usually i am met with one of two responses: a look like i just said i'd like to eat their children for breakfast, mixed with intense pity followed by a condescending, "oh well, i am sure you will change your mind, everyone does.", or occasionally something more hostile. one man spent the better part of an hour telling me that i was a selfish human being for not sacrificing myself on the alter of motherhood and that without children my life would be worthless.

is that true?

i just don't believe it. if anything i wish i could be mom to the whole world. i would give it hugs all the time for no good reason and i would give it time outs when it got unruly. why give your love away only to the people who share your DNA? i wanna give mine away to everyone.

posted by Ms_Bunnie 7:20 AM
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Monday, June 07, 2004

just when i was certain i had given up, sure that there were no reserves left, the universe delivers something to me that forces me to reconsider.

mister L and i spent the weekend playing croquet and drinking Belmont punch with friends. it rained on and off but the company and the game were so good no one noticed. we wore our whites and braved it (all that booze in our bellies keeping us warm) i am amazed to say i escaped without a grass stain, no minor miracle considering the combination of alcohol, white cotton, and wet lawn. mister won the game and i, being the non competitive sort, came in dead last. but last or no, its a marvelous game, i wish i had a set at home but am still lacking the lawn to put it on...

there was a proliferation of pregnant ladies and new moms at this party...it was a situation that usually would make me highly uneasy. everyone who knows me well knows my most primal fear is of pregnancy/motherhood, in my mind death would be easier to face...but for some reason i felt ok, i avoided the ones that made me nervous but found myself unexpectedly gravitating toward my friends wife. she is very very pregnant, about to deliver at any moment really, they type of thing that would usually send me screaming, but she was so lovely. she had this wonderful calmness and radiance, just standing next to her made you feel like everything was going to be ok. i didn't suddenly want to run out and get knocked up or anything, but after the previous few days i had had her presence was extremely soothing. we sat rocking in the glider on the front porch of their little farm house, looking out over a field of tall grass, listening to everyone play games round back and talked about nothing and everything. i would have been content to live in a moment like that forever, it felt like nothing could touch me.

i was very sorry to leave the next morning. the elation dissipated on the drive home...but it could have just been the hangover kicking in, who knows. all i know is by the time i was back in my bed the doubts and melancholy had crept back in. i took a bath, read my book. slept.

at 9 am this morning i hear something. a rustle and scratching under my dresser. there was something in the baseboard heaters, and miss splat fat cat was under the dresser trying to get it. i hopped out of bed and dragged her out by the back legs. i peered under the dresser to see what was there and spotted a tiny pink wiggling thing. i put on a glove and lifted it out.

it was a newborn mouse.

oh dear, what do i do? i cant leave it...i scoop it up and keep it warm and call the wildlife refuge. they give me instructions on how to care for it but don't invite me to bring it in. it is so little and so naked, it has no eyes or ears yet and is almost completely see through. i can see each of its little organs, i can see its heart beating and its lungs moving, i can even see its brain. i hold it in my hand, tiny and wriggling and i can feel my benevolence return. i know that even though it is most likely it will die within a few days, it has been delivered to me to look after. and so i do.

i feed him every 2 hours with a eyedropper, i wash him with a little q tip and even wipe away little baby mouse shit with it. i keep him on a heating pad, under the dresser where he was dropped in case his mother returns. i even left her a peanut butter cracker to tempt her.

looks like i am going to be a mother after all.
posted by Ms_Bunnie 4:20 PM
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